Thoughts on supporting marginalized groups

After calming down a bit once the heat of the moment had passed I started thinking last night about the issues of showing support of marginalized groups ^[1] online. I decided to try stepping into Adam Newbold’s shoes for a minute or two to really try to understand where he is coming from.

I honestly don’t know what Adam’s racial makeup is (can’t find anything and the only Adam Newbold I can really find any information on is a former Navy SEAL who took part in the January 6th riots. Pretty sure that’s not the same guy). I assume like me he’s a cishet white man. I’m sure age-wise I’ve got at least 10 years if not more on him. I’m pretty sure he has a wife and kids as I do. I’ve been in a relationship for almost 30 years (26 of those married) and have two children, both now young adults. If you know me you know the details of that I won’t share here but my experience there is different than most white men.

It is obvious to me that Adam and I are on the same side of the political spectrum. I have always been pretty liberal, and also very aware that most people in the United States are not like me in that respect. I expect that Adam and I have far more in common than differences. The big difference seems to be in how we approach showing our support of various groups online.

I will say this, if I were running a small online community, I would make sure that all groups were aware that it was a safe space as both Adam and Manton Reece have done with omg.lol and micro.blog. The difference between those two is in how they approach showing that support and I’d do it the way Manton does, not the way Adam is doing. Both of these guys live their values in how they run their businesses and I respect both of them for it.

There are people on micro.blog saying Manton needs to make some other statement of support instead of just updating his community guidelines. If it wasn’t obvious already Manton is his business. The two are not separate. That update of the community guidelines is his statement. He said as much in the last couple of days. Take him at his word and stop crucifying him because he’s not responding in exactly the way you want him to. That isn’t up to you. If you decide to take your business elsewhere that’s your decision but frankly you’re being stupid and punishing the wrong guy.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think online statements of support from random cishet white guys mean all that much to any of these groups. To me what Adam has been doing is just performative. Given how much I hear online in social media that the opinions and thoughts of cishet white guys don’t mean anything because we can’t possibly understand any of it ^[2], it’s odd to me when we get so vocal about how supportive we are. I absolutely believe he values omg.lol being a safe space. Shouting from social.lol or his blog how much of an ally he is? I don’t see much value in that at all.

Here’s the second thing: everyone’s lived experience, regardless of race, etc. is different. I already pointed out my relationship with my wife and kids. Also in my case my dad passed away one day while at work when I was three, leaving my mom to have to support three kids. This was in the early 1970s. I can guarantee you my mom struggled - a lot.

I can hear someone already saying “yeah but you’re white…” (probably coming from another white guy). Yep. I am but I can guarantee you that a white woman in the 1970s did not have an easy time jumping into being the main provider for the family. You think today is a white man’s world? Try being thrust into that position in the early 70s. Yes, she struggled a lot. Seeing her experience that when I was a child and growing up in that really colored my opinions on how things work needless to say.

Here is what I believe: I believe in giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. In my mind there has to be a pattern of behavior before I’m even going to think about labeling someone something as horrible as “transphobe” or “anti-LGBTQ”. In Vincent’s case…sorry there was no pattern of behavior to warrant that.^[3] One stupid post on social media about pronouns when angry about something doesn’t make one a transphobe or anti-LGBTQ, it just means one is being stupid. We have all done that.

I also know that people do not take well to being called out in public. It is not the right way to deal with issues like this and where Adam and I probably disagree the most. I simply don’t agree with him and likely we won’t agree.

I believe in showing support in private because to me actions means a hell of a lot more than random statements online. I’m trying to understand how yelling “I’m an ally” somehow is more valuable than, say, chatting with someone about college football and showing them that their opinion means something by going and actually trying out something that they love.

I watched a lot of college football this past season and only started doing so because I value the opinion of a trans woman I talk with about sports on social media. Through that conversation I learned about how she and her dad would watch Clemson games, about how much this year was going to be painful because this was the first year of watching Clemson football without her dad around. To me that’s how support is shown, by building personal relationships with people.

To be blunt - do I really care that this woman is a trans woman? No I don’t. Yes I understand rationally what that means and the issues she’s facing but what matters to me is that she feels she’s living her life the way she wants and I support that. But I didn’t seek her out because “hey she’s trans and likes sports. let me show my support as a cishet white guy!”. In my personal relationship with her it makes no difference. I wouldn’t change how I approach any of it. She’s a woman I like to talk sports with, not the first and not the last.

Anyhow, at this point I’ve written enough. I think Adam is wrong. I think the mob that has grown up around him is wrong. They’re punishing the wrong people in their zeal to show support. Showing support is a good thing. Punishing people on your side because they don’t do things exactly like you do is wrong. I think we’re all on the same side but completely disagree on how we fight the battles, not in the idea that we need to win the war.